Jokes

One of the favorite things that I (we) like to do is gather jokes from the friends that we see in our office. My staff starts groaning when I start the same joke for the 343rd time. But, I feel a personal responsibility to pass the better ones on. Unfortunately, we must avoid those many jokes that are "TOTALLY TASTELESS".

So here's a collection (that will surely grow) of our favorites.

A U.S. Congressman dies and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter meets him and says, "Well congressman, would you rather go to heaven or to hell?". The congressman was surprised and said, "To heaven...... for sure!" St. Peter told him, "well, you get to visit each and see which one you like best". So off he goes to hell and he finds some of his friends there. They play a round of golf and then Satan fixes a gourmet meal. Then the congressman went back to the pearly gates. St. Peter said, "What did you think of that?". The congressman told him he was amazed how nice it was there. The next day, the congressman went to visit heaven and it was truly magnificent and wonderful. The congressman then returned to the pearly gates and St. Peter asked him, "Congressman, what's your decision?"

The congressman told him, "I can't believe this is actually a difficult decision, but I think I'll pick hell". So off he went and when he got there, it was a burning inferno. The congressman fought his way through the flames and spotted Satan. He asked Satan, "Hey I was here a couple of days ago and it was a country club. What's the deal?". Satan looked at him, smiled and said, "Congressman, two days ago we were campaigning!"

 

What do you call a cow without legs?      Ground beef.

 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?     A stick.

 

A man went into to see his physician with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other, a bean in one nostril and a pea in the other. He said he didn't feel well. The doctor looked at him and said, "It's obvious you're not eating right".

 

Dyslexic Aggies thought that the UT-A&M football game that ended at 51-15 was a tie.

 

Two ocean-going tanker ships, one filled with red paint and the other filled with blue collided at sea. All the sailors were marooned.

 

A guy came home and found his dog lifeless on the floor. The dog still felt warm so he hurriedly took him to the vet. Once at the vet's office he asked if he could tell him if his dog was dead or not. The vet put the dog on the floor and first let a Labrador retriever out of a cage to sniff the dog. Then he took a cat out of a cage and placed it on the floor. The cat ran around the dog about 15 times and was placed back in its cage. The doctor told the man that his dog was definitely dead. The man thanked the vet and asked him how much he owed him. The vet said, "$450". "What!" said the man. "Could you itemize that for me?" The vet said, "Sure, it's $50 for the consultation, $100 the the 'lab' tests and $300 for the CAT scan".

 

Four men were playing golf on a hole that ran right next to the highway. Just down the road was a church and when they looked up a funeral procession was just pulling out and heading down the road. One of the golfers turned to the procession, took off his hat and stood motionless until the last car passed by. The other 3 golfers were surprised and told him that they didn't realize he was such a religious man. He said, "I know. But, she was the greatest wife a guy could have".

 

What did the snail say when it jumped on the back of the turtle? "YEE HAWWW"

 

A guy goes into a bar and orders 3 beers. The bartender thinks it is odd, but doesn't say anything. The next week, the same guy comes in and orders 3 whiskeys. This time the bartender asks him what the deal is about 3 drinks. "Well, my brothers live far away and when we were young, we swore we'd always drink together", said the fellow. This then went on for a few months until one day the guy comes in and orders 2 scotch and waters. The bartender feeling bad, asked the guy what happened to one of his brothers. He answered, "Oh, they're fine.....I gave up drinking for lent."

 

What do you call a frog in a NO PARKING ZONE ? Towed.

 

A cowboy, politician and attorney died on the same day and all wound up in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told them he had to ask them each one question. If they answered it correctly, they could enter heaven. He turned first to the cowboy and asked him, "There was a large luxury liner that sunk during its maiden voyage when it struck an iceberg. What was the name of that ship?" The cowboy excitedly said, "The Titanic!" St. Peter opened the gates an let him in. Then turning to the politician, he asked, "How many people died that night?" The politician nervously said, "I saw that movie........let me think........1,500 people !" St. Peter agreed that was correct and let him in as well. Turning last to the attorney, he said, "Name them."

 

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

"Oh my goodness, I am sooo sorry," the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning. When he arrives the next morning, she  has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!

"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies,

"YOU JUST HAPPENED TO CATCH MY EYE."

 

What do you call a line of rabbits hopping backwards?  A receding hare line.

 

What do you call 32 people from Tennessee in a room? A full set of teeth.

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Dr. Maury Hafernik
11645 Angus Road, Suite 10
Austin, Texas 78759
P: (512) 345-5552

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